you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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