Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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