What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
