i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
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So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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