maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
