My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
