Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
