Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
