Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
