So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Two words: blizzard sex
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
