what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
