PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
