Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
