May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
