My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
