She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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