remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
