My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
They took my balls.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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