I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
