my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
