So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
