just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
