wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
