I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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