If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
