I have demons in me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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