Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
