A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
