Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
