Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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