Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
