Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
