She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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