Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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