Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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