I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
