I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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