Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
