If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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