If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
