if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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