Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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