I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
