I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
