omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
