wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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