People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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