I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
soo... how was my night?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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