You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize
