so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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