Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
