were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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