I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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