It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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