he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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