When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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