the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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