Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
