I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
