I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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