Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
These tits shall not be calmed
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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