Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
