Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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